The most stressful thing I have ever faced in my life is the feeling of doing something wrong and when Ive done it, not being able to let go as well as not being able to fix it, which is mostly due to the low self-esteem that I have; and when I want to fix it, I have the fear of being rejected. The stress has been in my life for a long time now. However, I am the person who does not like to make people mad, but when I do, I am stressed out and not able to think about anything else except how to fix it. And the actual problem occurs when the other person does not want to give me a chance to fix the issue, even if I try to explain that I made them mad for their own good. Therefore, the only thing I can think of for days, weeks and months after, is them, it does not matter who the person is, a friend or a stranger. So, I am only focused on them, and I tend to miss many things in my own life, friends or family-wise. And while with others, the only thing I know is that I dont want to make them sad because of me or disappoint them. Thats why I am always stressed. It even affects my physical health; I sometimes cannot eat, which leads to sudden loss of weight of 5 kg in a week, which is good on the one hand, since Im a little overweight, but it does not end. And whenever my friends see me they ask me, Whats wrong with your face? The problem with me is I cannot handle a problem, and when it is there, my life tends to be meaningless and I am stressed out all the time and how long it keeps going depends on the situation, and on whether I forget about it or not. All this stuff makes me nervous and stressed I cannot do anything and my only solution is to either sleep or keep myself occupied. But even if I am occupied, I am nervous, dizzy, shaky and not able to concentrate at all, and by being unable to concentrate I mean I have no idea whats happening around me, and I respond to situations automatically.
I believe that the root of the problem is that I always had to do everything my family wanted me to do. They didnt listen to my opinion and even did not ask about it. Despite the fact that I did everything very well, I was not satisfied with all my life, because it was not what I really wanted to do. To be happy every person needs to be able to do what he/she likes. But it is not about me. From my early childhood my father was always away from the family, and that meant I had to look after the family. I realized that he was earning money to support our family, but I had too many responsibilities to attend to, which I did all by myself. I could not say it was not good to have some experience in leading a family life but not for a little boy.
After some time my family moved to another city. Firstly, it was very difficult for me to get used to new conditions of life. I missed my friends greatly. After a while I got used to it, but it was not so interesting for me to live in the city; I preferred the village. This was another thing - nobody had asked me if I wanted to move to another place.
The next point is that I had no support from my family. Having to deal with family life, my studies and extra work, I had no support from my father, because he was always at work. I faced real problems when my little brother, who was already 6 years old, couldnt talk. The problem is that I never complained that it was hard for me. I did everything alone and didnt want to disappoint others when I had some problems. Because I have always known everyone has difficulties and I have always tried to keep everyone happy with what they believe in or say, which has made me a person who cannot even convince anyone, that something is good, bad or wrong. So, I had and still have to keep up with family requirements and their daily needs, keep up with studies, and keep up with everything that is going on in the family business.
All my family ever wanted me to do were only right and necessary things, which would not disappoint them. The example from my life is that one day my dad called from Dubai and said Would you go to an English school? and me being a good son said, Sure, since I never wanted to disappoint my father, even though I did not know English at all. I was terribly anxious, because I had to think how I could behave not to disappoint my father. I could say that I didnt want to study there, but I was afraid of the reaction of my father. I believe that my upbringing played and important role, because from the early childhood I had no right to decide for myself what was better to do, and my parents didnt show me an example of how to act in difficult life situations.
I only listened to what I had to do. The greatest anxiety was when my father told me we were moving to another country. Again, I had to get used to new conditions, new people and places. The idea of moving out of your country was already scary but the idea of surviving without knowing anything when people expect you to know everything and be able to do everything is even more frightening.
So, all my life I have been trying to meet other peoples expectations, but the anxiety about the future still exists and sometimes it gets out of hand, and it has turned me to a person with a very low self-esteem. All my life I have been doing what others tell me to do, and now I cannot make a single decision by myself, no matter how big or small it is. Even though Im nearly 20 years old now, I keep thinking, What if I do something wrong, or if something goes wrong, no matter if Im involved in it or not? I act, but I always do what others want me to do, even when it is bad for me, and it means losing someone or something eventually, because keeping everyone happy makes me not happy, because I do not do what I actually want. So, I always get both the stress of making someone mad or disappointed and the fear of doing something wrong, and it does not matter where I am or what I do, I am the person who is always worried. Even when I am out, and in a good mood, there are times when my spirits suddenly sink; which has been happening a lot lately and it has been making all my friends mad. It is also due to not being able to let go of things, for example if I make someone mad and I know am not going to see them for a long time or even for the rest of my life, I am stressed out and not able to think about anything else but how to fix it. But the real problem occurs when the other person does not give me a chance to fix the issue, even if I made them mad for their own good, because I knew it would get worse and even more difficult to deal with. It actually resulted in me losing a friend, because she thought I did not want her to be happy or did not wish her well.
My main issue is that I just cannot do things I want, because I cannot make a decision and actually stick to it, since when I was young I did what everyone else wanted me to do and now that I am older, I still cannot get rid of confusion. Mainly because I just cannot take decisions, and it is just the way it is, and nothing can be done about it, now when I want to forget the disappointments I have had, it seems impossible, and I am worried about doing the same thing over again.
To conclude, I would like to say that the main cause of my anxiety is that I am not a psychologically strong person, as from the beginning of my life I have had no possibility to decide for myself and make my own choices. My upbringing was such that my parents were not interested in my problems and the difficulties I faced. I tried to be a good child, and I pleased them by doing what I was asked to do. This let to the fact that I cannot now make any right choices suitable for my future, because I am afraid of hurting other people, and I dont want to make them suffer. This is a social factor. The psychological factor is my temper and character. I need to be more self-confident and have a higher self-esteem to reach my life goals in the future.
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